I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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