hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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