im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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