I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
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