Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
