I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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