:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
