the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
