This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
