Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
