if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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