How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
