that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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