if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
