Cold hands, warm shart.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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