Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
