what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
