So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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