oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
