I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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