Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
