He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Randomize
