I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
i think my cat just said my name.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
