I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
