Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
