I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
