I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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