i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
