so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
