Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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