Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
