Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
