just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
