I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
