today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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