I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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