You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
