there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
