i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
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Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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