just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
