i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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