Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
