I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
