Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
