Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
