the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
