My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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