I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
