I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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