It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
