saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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