Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
