I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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