My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
