when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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