I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
